Amor Caecus
by ErisAndTheWhale
Summary: "What is love? In my darkest of times, I was given the answer to my persistent question. " K/Z Romance story


**Eris: ** I've never felt more alone and hopeless and helpless and many things at once as much as the past few weeks. I'm scared that I might never be the same again. Still I say thanks for friends like raine and scarlet for keeping my emotions in check while I'm here in the Phil.'s studying through earthquakes and a super typhoon and the deaths of people I never thought would fade away quickly and homesickness and failure to hold onto my dreams. (btw IMY Canada)

I still hope things will get better.

_ (This is an attempt to go back to writing. I don't know how I'll fare, but I do know I can't keep glum forever. I hope I still have what it takes to tell a story.)_

**Warning:** Long story with annoying KxY in the beginning(I gagged many times writing this)-but this is KxZ, because **I ship no other like it**. And no cannons or turrets can sink it. You're welcome to try, but I bite back.

_I do not own VK nor do I own the beauty of Shakespearean lines._

_::::_

**Amor Caecus**

_"What made me love thee? Let that persuade thee  
there's something extraordinary in thee. I cannot: but I love thee; none  
but thee; and thou deservest it." –W.S._

_::::_

_Love_.

What is love?

I always believed I had a grasp of what it is;

What it meant; _falling in love._

Years and years of being alive had formed within me a wintry and cheerless outlook, but made me wittingly wiser than the rest. For all there was to know about the earth, I knew in the back of my head.

But then-_love_...

What is love?

Books from centuries ago up to present could not give me a congruous definition of the word. _No. _Every line was always so vague and maybe more different than the other. If not, seemingly alien to one's normal thoughts and senses. Love is _sacred_—its meaning is furtive to those who have not been graced by Aphrodite herself. Love is like a blood pact among men—a code only meant for those who had the chance to fall under its spell.

For all the encounters I've had with people all over the world, and people of different time and age, I was never convinced I had ever fallen in love.

They just weren't _it_.

The thrill...

The secrecy...

The bond...

The electricity...

They were missing like the absence of mist upon the highest mountain peaks. Like rivers whose beds were not laid with the smooth marble-like pebbles that would sooth a young one's feet, should he courageously trudge deeper into the running water.

As Shakespearean as my words may seem, I had always believed that literature was righteously only grasping words to try and create the imagery that writings will always fail to describe.

_'Hear my soul speak:  
The very instant that I saw you, did  
My heart fly to your service.'_

Did he not once say?

_I remember_—at that instant, when my eyes fell upon hers, my heart told me –'_Maybe it is her.' _And with sudden conviction, I forever held it in my heart and swore that I would protect her, be it with my blood, ready to shed or my body, ready to shield.

And when the demon came to snatch her life away, did I intercept; and though it was painful and the bitter frost in that moment was numbing my soul, I knew that it would be alright for me to silently suffer in exchange for her security.

_Never mind the wait_, I told myself.

Had I not been alone for thousands of years?

For my dearest one, _my Yuuki_- I will sacrifice.

_'My bounty is as boundless as the sea,  
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,  
The more I have, for both are infinite.'_

And though she has forgotten me for the time being, she will one day think of me for all eternity, because eternity is allwe both have. And the curse of an everlasting life will shift into a blessing.

_And the darkness within me will dissipate._

:::::

My sight falls upon the moon again.

Large and bright—the only light of nature my eyes could ever bear.

Sometimes I imagine how the sunbeams would feel through human eyes. Would it be painful, still; even just quite a bit? I raise my palm to the sky and fit the sphere with my hand.

And then it brings me to sorrow again.

_"I cannot bear the burden of turning back."_

Her words rung upon my ears like the painful clatter of dining ware. It had only been a little while back that pieces of her memories had resurfaced. It took more than a decade for her to remember me, but only seconds for her to feel fear and dread.

Dreams washed in red had wracked her mind, causing sleepless nights.

One day she came to me to plead for help.

Another day, she came to me as I owed her the mystery of suddenly appearing in those said dreams.

In the succeeding days after, I felt her rage.

I do not blame her. I would very much put the blame on myself to appease her. But I wanted her to know that I only wanted _to protect_; to protect my dearest love. At what cost? Her hatred for my betrayal, for the secrets that I keep.

_At what cost? _Is she not safe? I argue to myself once again.

Soon she returned to me and broke down. _Fear and disgust_. Her world had turned upside down, she tells me_. No, it has been turned upright_, I silently mused.

I offered to lessen her suffering. To turn her back to who she really is and let the blood of the purest of generation run through her veins again.

_But..._

_"I cannot bear the burden of turning back."_

Her words caused my fingers to falter in front of the vivid moon.

_I understand._ After all, I yearned for it as well. How does it feel to look above the sky brightened up by rays of light? Or have days where hunger only meant a lack in consumption of food?

She already has all. They must be terribly wonderful things for her to battle her memories and the darkness of her true being.

I envy her. _Yet, I love her still._

Again, I wait for the day she'll willingly come to my side.

::::

"I wish to stay here in the Academy."

Her hands are firmly shaped into fists. I know without a doubt that nothing I will do can ever change her mind. The time had come that she finally allowed her pure blood to spring into life inside of her, but under the circumstance of the assault among several innocents by the accursed Rido Kuran.

"We must deal with him once and for all." She had spoken back then with such a sturdy resolve that I could do no more but concede.

I did not desire to endanger her, yet I was delighted by the thought that thereafter, she would finally come away with me.

But soon, after the battle and the victory; as I outstretched my hand for her to reach for, _she never took it._

"The school needs a lot of rebuilding, and there is the issue of trust with the humans that needs to be mended."

The brittle ground beneath her feet crumbles with each soft step she takes towards me. The wind caused her hair to whip round her small, lithe frame. Still, her eyes focused sharply on mine.

_Inches_...just inches away.

"_Thank you for all you've done to protect me._ "

Only her whisper remains in the air as I watch her back retreat towards the gates of the place she considers her home. I feel empty as I see that I probably have no place in the picture frames of her heart.

Before me, Kiryuu Zero is still standing in the same spot where my dearest had stood. His eyes are weary from the battle, and his shoulders slump; _his thoughts are so far away._

I regard him civilly, hoping he will keep his promise, _his duty above all else_.

_Yuuki...protect Yuuki. _

His eyes flicker, and quickly harden when they caught mine, but the menace is diminutive, as if my blood had sated the boiling anger he had carried around for all his vampiric life.

He swiftly turns his back, not saying a word to me.

How I_ loathe_ him, foolish hunter.

Yet—

_How I envy him so._

For I know that as I watched my Yuki link her arm around his as they walked back, the possibility of losing her is slowly becoming great.

But I _will not_ waver. My patience will be stretched beyond its limits.

For now, I relented.

::::

There it is_ yet again_.

The shrill echo of malevolence is draping the scope of land. The nights are becoming more perilous.

There had been a time when hunters and my race could see eye-to-eye and stand on the same ground, even if there were cracks in between. But now the fracture has sliced through both sides completely, curtailing the peace I as well as many had hoped for.

The chairman had tried to placate as best as he could, but his influence could only reach so much. Insurgents stemmed out from the organization secretly, with their hearts full of vengeance and memory of the trail of blood left behind by Rido.

They are blinded and closed-minded.

I did my part of purging the vampire race of the council; men who were skilfully corrupt and wicked to the brim.

But even that is not enough to compensate.

In their thoughts, the dreams of peace will never materialize so long as we exist.

The curtains behind me rustle with the purpose of alerting me of the new presence. From the darkness, Seiren emerges with a letter tucked in between her slender fingers.

"The enemy hunters were adamant at reaching her because of her ideas of peaceful mingling between the humans and vampires. Kaien Cross has hidden her away, and she is safe in one of his manors in the outskirts of town."

A large breath of relief is released from deep within me at the thought of her being alive. I knew that she would be a chief target due to her pureblood status and her stubbornness in keeping herself always in harm's way.

"You should return there to guard her."

"She is well looked after. _Kiryuu_ is with her."

_Of course._

That boy whom I despise, but whom I ceaselessly trust.

_Zero Kiryuu._

I expect no less of him to perform his duties. It is quite the small price to pay for doing the forbidden; feeding a level D life force that all others would crawl on bright smouldering coal for. And most of all, the chance to parade around with my princess with no difficulty at all.

A fortunate soul indeed.

"Let's move."

I motion for her to follow as we head plan our next course of action.

::::

My skin crawled with an incurable ache, and as it reached the distal ends did it explode into an excruciating agony, before ending with nothing but numbness.

My palms sweated and shook as I tried to steady them while reaching for a pen and paper to write a letter with.

I lurch forward in a great effort to contain the pain.

_Life._

It is at this moment that I realize the value of you, and why men strive for immortality. I have lived for so long and am so weary of the dragging hands of time, but in this experience of near-death do I wish for _more time._

"Lord Kaname, if you struggle, you might speed up the spread of the hunter's lethal poison." Seiren situates herself beside me and supports my weight. She adamantly wished to see Chairman Cross for a definite cure of my condition brought about by an ambush, as well as pass on my plans and take over my work to round up the loyal ones, but I would not allow her to leave without taking with her a letter. _My letter._

_My dearest Yuuki...I wish for you to be here._

It was all my limbs allowed me to write before I collapsed on the earthen table; the ink from the bottle seeped through my shirt, but I was too exhausted, too much in pain to make another move.

The world was full of echoes, and the view spun around me, as if the darkness was chasing the light away.

Before I knew it, _everything turned black._

:::::

I am conscious, but slumbering at the same time.

_How can such a thing be?_

All I know for sure is that I am unable to see. _I am blind_.

I cannot hear a single sound. Deaf. _I am deaf as well._

My body is rigid still, and though I strongly will it to move, it remains immobilized. There is no pain. I am numb to my core. All that is left to comfort me that I have not passed is the dull ache in my mind.

I think to keep myself alive.

I think thoughts to inspire me into living.

The world is still in chaos, how can I allow myself to slip away? My race needs a leader, I cannot abandon them. _And Yuuki_—

Fear grips me.

My letter_. Is she coming to see me?_ I wish for the comfort of love which I eternally seek. I long to fill this empty soul that has turned dim even more. But has it even reached her?_ Would I even know if she is with me here right now?_

My body is probably trembling. I am alone, and for the first time—

_ I am afraid._

But in the busy whirl of emotions did a firm presence appear.

_A deeper sense rouses from inside me. _

A sense I have long disregarded is making itself known to me.

Someone's here with me and the comfort this person brings is astounding that I want with every fibre of my being to tear up and _tightly embrace the other_.

But I cannot move, and I cannot feel.

And so I make do with the warmth this presence gives me.

::::

I stir once again and I am brought back to the reality of my handicaps.

Beside me, the presence is waking.

My hearts swells with joy as I realized that this wonderful warmth must be _her,_ for it is to her that I addressed my letter. It is her presence that I demanded. _That I craved._

That my body_ must_ recognize.

I want to crane my neck to see-but my eyes will fail me, and my muscles are still in a deep slumber.

But in this moment of helplessness, my fingers twitch uncoordinatedly.

I can feel the nerves sing as they twist to work. It was like my body had begun to remember a deeply etched memory.

As if sharing my moment of joy, the person on my bedside clasps a firm and calloused hand upon mine. _The electricity upon contact startles me_.

_I can feel once again_.

_I can feel your hand on mine and I never want us to let go._

::::

Stinging, voluminous liquid is poured down my throat.

I imagine how it must taste if I could; it must be medicine that could retch a stomach dry.

I recline my head again on the soft pillows, cherishing the feel of soft, feathery cotton. With that train of thoughts on things I wanted to feel, I outstretched my hand with difficulty. It was shaking terribly, but I needed what I expected would come.

And quickly, before my limb would completely tire out, did the familiar feel of palm graze and grip mine.

My heart warms quickly and my strength replenishes once again.

I can feel a soft tremor from her hand, and as I gripped tighter did I realize that she was humming.

I wanted to hear the voice of my beloved.

_No, better_. I wanted to see again and be able to speak of my gratitude and love that I know now for sure would encompass eternity.

_I love you._

I yearn to say, as the familiar hands once again run over my hair in soothing waves.

_I love you._

:::::

I awaken, and was startled by a strong ringing in my ears.

It was continuously droning that it crossed the threshold and caused me great pain that I could do no more but thrash with the little energy I had built up in my sleep. My feet knocked over whatsoever was displayed beside my footboard and the object fell down and broke.

And the crashing sound that reached my ears was _explosive._

_Like a chandelier whose crystals shattered into tinier and tinier pieces._

And when the noise died down, I could hear deep, ragged breathing.

_My own._

And in the doorway, the familiar warm presence is still, but I could pinpoint the loud beating of heart along with heavy breathing.

_Are you alright?_

I wanted to ask. But my throat is noticeably dry, that all I could allow myself to do is motion my hand for my beloved to come forward.

Instead, she left me in a hurry.

I was left to wait, but sleep got the better of me.

::::

_The ceiling is white._

That was the first thought that came to my mind as all my senses returned to me.

_And the light from the bedside lamp is bright._

And so this must be what the morning's rays feel like, when it bathes you in its glow, and the gentle heat spreads through you like the beginning of a new life.

This is what life should be without the complexities or the burden of anger and grudges.

This is life in utmost simplicity, that even someone such as me can be human in a little moment.

Should I even envy or wonder?

The things I've asked in life have answers.

_These are the answers._

Slowly, I rouse from the sheets of my bed. Long has it been since I've had control over myself. It could be weeks from the day of my misfortune.

Surely it has been that long, but the surroundings are well kept even as I slept through most days. My heart slowly ached at the realization of something missing.

I've regained all my senses but one, yet this _one_ is enough to keep hollow.

_Why did you leave?_

My hand clenches as it reminisces on the feel of warmth against it.

::::

It took me a full week before I could trace the whereabouts of Seiren. I must applaud her for her confidence to lead the work I've planned. She wasted no moment in retelling what she had been busy in and in what she had accomplished.

The huge strain between the hunters and vampires is far from mended, but the seams are slowly twisting and connecting again. I believe that it will not be long before talks of peace treaties will float around in their thoughts once more.

"I am very glad that you have recovered to your optimum strength, my Lord." She expresses to me in formality.

"I have only one person to thank." My voice cannot hide the anticipation that I feel.

_I needed to see her_.

I wanted to feel it once again; the jolt that runs through me and the warm affection that builds within me when we touch, or even when the warm presence lingers.

I longed since then for that feeling of _perfection._

"Where is she?"

Seiren's lips form a thin line, but she understands what I mean and obediently takes me to my beloved's location.

::::

"_Yuuki_."

Her name comes out like a soft sigh, and my legs gave way as I kneeled before her in gratitude.

"Kaname-sempai!" she joyously greets back and tightly embraces me like we had not seen each other in months.

"I always thought about you! I was worried sick about you and everyone else!" She laments tearfully as she spoke about the deaths of the people she knew.

"I know how it must feel for you. That is why I'm grateful that you took up so much time to save one life."

Her doe eyes stare blankly back and her head tilts slightly that nervousness began to build inside me. _But of what? _My queries disappear when her lips stretched to give me one of her sweetest smiles.

"Kaname-sempai is speaking in riddles again."

It was almost in a stern scolding manner, but I put aside everything as I readied to ask the question once more.

_Once more_.

I breathed.

"After everything...come with me? _This time_?" I pressed on a little more than before.

_What is love? _I had asked so many times prior.

I thought I had an idea when our eyes first met. _But it was when our eyes didn't_ that made me realize what it was. _What love meant._

Determinedly, I wound my fingers around hers.

But I was shell-shocked into warped _nothingness._

_Nothing._

Her hand was strange and though it was warm, it was cold altogether.

_Like I was holding a stranger's hands for the first time._

"I've always like Kaname-sempai...but when I found out that...how we were..._are_...I get so confused on how to act. They tell me that it's alright, but...even so.." Yuuki trails off, dragging her uncertainty into silence.

Her aura is warm but a jumbled mess; a clutter I do not recognize.

If this had happened before my almost-demise, I would have pulled her into an embrace and tell her_ I love you and I'll wait for you _several times over. That I would not care how many days would pass because my love was eternally hers.

But my heart was beating like any normal day, and the hollow feeling within me never dissipated.

_I love you. _Can't I say it?

_No_.

No, I can no longer.

_Not to this person._

"...If you think of me as family, then always think of me as that, because I will never disappear from you, Yuuki. I'll always be here to guide you and protect you. I'll...always look forward to the day you'll find _true happiness_."

_And that is the truth_.

Yuuki is astounded by my simple reply. Her brows crease in difficulty of comprehending, and so her atmosphere whirls about in discord; as if her thoughts were being freely displayed before my eyes.

I smile softly, and the turmoil within her calms.

"And I, to yours."

And as she walks away, this time I relented _completely_.

:::::

I remember vaguely a night of waking up to the smell of gentle prairies and wild lavender splayed on crowds of wild grasses. And then realizing that the source of the wondrous scent was a figure in close proximity from my bed.

_I remember wishing that living forever would mean staying forever with my love by my side._

_But where did you go?_ My soul is screaming as bits of my memories are trying to piece together to form an identity—the one I wish to be with my whole life—with me not caring that this person is not Yuuki.

"Did you not give my letter?"

"I did."

"To Yuuki."

"..."

"To Yuuki?" I demanded, my voice quivering, not from anger but from utter confusion. Seiren heaves out the first real sigh I've heard to ever escape her lips.

"...To Zero Kiryu to give to Yuuki."

"She never came." I replied. My hands could not mistake it; could never forget the puzzle of fingers that fit perfectly in between-_and how it was missing when my fingers linked with hers._

"I know that well, Lord Kaname."

"Who came?" My heart is churning rapidly paced beats.

There could have been no other now, I am so sure.

_You hate him._ My mind is battling with the heart that quivers in delight at finding the identity of the one who so carefully tended to me. _You hate him._ My mind still cries out, still remembering the hate-filled eyes and venom-laced tone.

_But does he hate you?_ I remember warmth.

_Does he hate me? _ I remember soft vibrations of his voice as he spoke words I could not hear.

_Do I even actually hate him? _I remember deeply the yearning and pain at his disappearance.

_Enough to forget his radiant light in my total darkness? _

"He knew the antidote. He promised to help you through the poison's deadly effects. And though I knew I shouldn't trust him, I felt that he was true to his word."

The warmth that playfully hummed across my skin as I slept to complete healing was no other than that.

_It was his true feelings._

"He was."

:::

"_Get out_."

The first words I could hear after the enchanting days spent with him by my bedside. I knew he would be difficult to crack, but now, as I feel an angry storm whirl about him; striking and constricting like vines laced with countless of thorns, I realized what a powerful barrier it is I had to break past before I could finally see his hidden heart.

Even then...

I would stand by until I would have the truth straight from his mouth.

"You _deaf_ or something? _Get out,_ you stupid bloodsucker!" his hands dexterously swept over the hanging antique decor, causing them to displace and shatter on the mahogany floor of his apartment complex.

"_You would know_."

As if my words stung, his back stiffened and his palms clenched; but still the words that left him were carefully guarded through gritted teeth.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"It was you."I persisted.

"Why?"

_Why would you do so much for me?_

Every single flashback sprints through the lobes of my brain; all hazy but all the same, surrounded by the affectionate feel that was all along-_Zero Kiryuu._

"Why?"

_Why would you curtain the obvious?_

I asked in repetition, as Zero before me still stood unmoving like a statue.

His trance only lasted long enough until his shoulders shook, and his fist slammed through the aged thin wall beside him.

"_Damn it;_ stop asking that question because it makes _no sense _to me either!" He snarls; his fangs shown out for me in an act of clear challenge. But I do not take anything he does in offense anymore, for all I can think of is the wondrously beautiful spirit buried deep inside him.

I crave to reach out to him, to finally _see _him truly in entirety.

"_Speak_ to me clearly." I encourage him instead; hoping that his final pillars would finally crumble, and that in the end, it is not something to fear, for I would gladly catch him before his final despair.

He reels back to the wall, as though cornered into defeat. His eyes glisten with hopelessness; _but why?_ I clearly despise myself now for causing him any sort of pain.

I stride slowly towards him with my hand ready to reach and sooth the pained expression away, but the steely expression in his eyes return along with the strength to strike my hand away.

"It was _your _fault! ...It started that night you gave me blood! It was that night I lost _all_ sense in me."

His head slumps forward as his fingers roughly pull at the roots of his lovely silver strands. _My Zero, have I overlooked you so? My eyes were so busy watching another—one who could not equal your sacrifice for me._

"I.._no_...you _messed_ me up...real badly." He continues; so unsure of himself as he disappointedly watches his palms already stained by tears he could not control.

With a shaky breath, he asks me a question I've been asking as well.

"I hate you, don't I? _Don't I_?"

_Do you really hate me, Zero? And yet..._

"Why then...why couldn't I keep myself from running to your side when you almost died? Why couldn't I give the letter that was meant for _her_? Why couldn't I bring myself to get rid of you when you were at you weakest? Even more..._why couldn't I return her feelings?_

I thought really hard after leaving. And I guess...you made me feel like life was worth another go. Maybe, I felt a little special, like your decision was meant to keep me fighting even though everything was crashing down on me—_though that could never be_. Still I deluded myself into thinking."

Inches...we were just inches away.

My eyes meet lilac; bright and beautiful, like they were lit up for the sake of greeting my own.

"But do you know what it all boils down to?" he whispers softly, as if knowing that I share the knowledge of it.

Not waiting another word, I quickly grasp his hand in mine.

And all at once I remember, like the very first time our fingers brushed;

The thrill...

The secrecy...

The bond...

The electricity...

_And love._

We were both cheerless, and broken and forlorn. We were both bitter and depressed and repressed all at once. _Killing me_; it was killing me from the inside, this confusing game assembled by the goddesses of love; laughing to their fill as they watched us dance around each other blindfolded; both of us wishing to fall into the arms of our beloved, but always missing.

Cupid watched him nurture an agonizing secret love.

-watched as I foolishly ran around with the same awful question in my head.

_Love._

What _is_ love?

And with strong beats my heart answered.

_'Amor caecus.'_

And with this first true smile that breaks off from my once solid mask, I come to terms with certainty that-

Yes, my heart.

That is that.

Love is blind.

"_I think I love you." _I hear him hesitantly whisper words that mirror my own confident ones.

"I think we both do." I replied, very glad to see this remove his doubts of my love for him.

I slowly tuck his chin in between my fingers, as I say the words over and over again.

"I love you."

And our lips finally meet.

_ 'Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,  
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.'_

In the eternity I've lived, I've found love only** once**.

_I'll never lose sight of you again._

_Zero._

**_Eris Explains:_**_ So you know how when a sense fails you, the others get stronger?For Pureblood Kaname who temporarily lost all senses, his slightly dormant skill of sensing feelings through auras got stronger._

_So while he was in his poisoned state and Zero was tending, Kaname could feel a strong, warm aura- a feeling of Zero's love. :D_

**_On a side note_**_, I loved writing in Kaname's POV. I've always imagined he'd be so poetic and witty and dark, and always so deep in thought._

_I don't know if I gave my idea justice..but if I didn't, it's okay I guess. I've failed greater things the past few weeks. See you guys around, I hope? :((_


End file.
